I posted this on my other long forgotten blog about a year and a half ago. I make friends very rarely...real friends. This relationship was shaping into one, or so I thought. I was "pursued" by this woman relentlessly for quite a while. I use this word because in my original post, I liken a blossoming female friendship to that of a couple romantically courting. After months of pursuing this friendship, she simply stopped. I was shocked. I took it personally, at first. It was months before I realized that she had done this disappearing act from our entire circle of friends, not just me. She had stopped answering emails, phone calls, and facebook posts.
The odd thing was that whenever I would see her, whether weeks or months had gone by, she would act as if she had just seen me the day before. I did not and still do not know what to make of it. This post, and the one I posted after this (which will follow in a few days) has significance because recently due to schedules of our children, she has come back into my life. She is trying to get back into my life. After the way she treated me before, I hesitate even getting involved with her. I am still pretty unsure about what happened with her.
So here it is....
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I see a lot of people during the course of a day. You go to school, drop off children, pick them up. There are events, field trips, activities, parties etc. You smile politely, make conversation that is age appropriate to your child. For an infant at gymboree you may discuss eating/sleeping/pooping habits. Kindergarteners??? Adjustment issues and napping…First//Second grade???? Homework and making friends Third/Fourth grade??? Study habits and overbooking activities for their schedule. At this point in my parenting life, that is the limit of my experience.
So, as Moms go, I am pretty introverted. Some Moms make friends easily, some do not. I am a “do not”. I sit and wait till the last minute, then race in to get my child. I watch as the other Moms congregate and discuss playdates, etc, envious. I have even willed myself to get out of my van a few minutes before absolutely necessary (a huge feat for me). Only to find that I stood alone with no one to talk to, as the other Moms still congregated, just without including me. Standing there, alone, feeling like I was a sole performer on a stage, as if all eyes were on me, reinforced my Mom style choice…self imposed social seclusion….or so I thought…until recently.
It occurred to me over the last few weeks, that making new friends at my age has started to resemble the everywoman search for “The One” that we look for in a mate in our teens and twenties. We start out open to every and all possibilities…old, young, nice, the bad boy/or girl (as the case may be), employed, unemployed. Then, as we go further into the dating field, we narrow our search…like a Google search. We exclude words or categories…such as “momma’s boy” (and I can say this now that I am raising a son), “recently released” (from jail, rehab, a mental health facility) or swinger/polyamorous (that’s one I learned the hard way…more on that later).
Well, it’s the same with a friend. We tend to narrow our search as we get older. We look for people that have something in common with us from the get go. Whether it’s a child of the same gender/age/interest or a spouse at the same firm/department/etc. In my case, rarely do I meet someone new without one of those pre-existing conditions (spouse/child in common) because I learned to face it a long time ago, there is room for nothing else in my life that doesn’t sprout from their world first.
I met D a few months ago…actually I met her husband first. My hubby and I were on a field trip and I noticed that our daughter was gravitating to his daughter. As we picked pumpkins, I started talking to him. He told me that his wife was not well but was recovering. We spent the rest of the morning talking…then goodbye.
A few weeks later, I noticed D. I wanted to say hi, but knew she had been ill and didn’t want to bother her. A few weeks after that, another mom invited my daughter over for a playdate. D and her daughter were there. The three of us moms sat and talked. D and I, it turned out, had quite a bit in common. The three of us laughed about it. I was relieved, actually. Normally, I dread playdates. I am awkward, to say the least and making conversation is quite difficult for me. I found talking to D was the same as when I had girlfriends as a single, young, unattached girl. When I chose friends and my friends were not CHOSEN FOR ME by circumstance. We talked about things OTHER THAN OUR GIRLS. OMG! I was having a conversation as a person…not a mom!
As the playdate ended, I was actually sad to leave. I went home and told my husband that I think I was about to make a new friend….
So, as Moms go, I am pretty introverted. Some Moms make friends easily, some do not. I am a “do not”. I sit and wait till the last minute, then race in to get my child. I watch as the other Moms congregate and discuss playdates, etc, envious. I have even willed myself to get out of my van a few minutes before absolutely necessary (a huge feat for me). Only to find that I stood alone with no one to talk to, as the other Moms still congregated, just without including me. Standing there, alone, feeling like I was a sole performer on a stage, as if all eyes were on me, reinforced my Mom style choice…self imposed social seclusion….or so I thought…until recently.
It occurred to me over the last few weeks, that making new friends at my age has started to resemble the everywoman search for “The One” that we look for in a mate in our teens and twenties. We start out open to every and all possibilities…old, young, nice, the bad boy/or girl (as the case may be), employed, unemployed. Then, as we go further into the dating field, we narrow our search…like a Google search. We exclude words or categories…such as “momma’s boy” (and I can say this now that I am raising a son), “recently released” (from jail, rehab, a mental health facility) or swinger/polyamorous (that’s one I learned the hard way…more on that later).
Well, it’s the same with a friend. We tend to narrow our search as we get older. We look for people that have something in common with us from the get go. Whether it’s a child of the same gender/age/interest or a spouse at the same firm/department/etc. In my case, rarely do I meet someone new without one of those pre-existing conditions (spouse/child in common) because I learned to face it a long time ago, there is room for nothing else in my life that doesn’t sprout from their world first.
I met D a few months ago…actually I met her husband first. My hubby and I were on a field trip and I noticed that our daughter was gravitating to his daughter. As we picked pumpkins, I started talking to him. He told me that his wife was not well but was recovering. We spent the rest of the morning talking…then goodbye.
A few weeks later, I noticed D. I wanted to say hi, but knew she had been ill and didn’t want to bother her. A few weeks after that, another mom invited my daughter over for a playdate. D and her daughter were there. The three of us moms sat and talked. D and I, it turned out, had quite a bit in common. The three of us laughed about it. I was relieved, actually. Normally, I dread playdates. I am awkward, to say the least and making conversation is quite difficult for me. I found talking to D was the same as when I had girlfriends as a single, young, unattached girl. When I chose friends and my friends were not CHOSEN FOR ME by circumstance. We talked about things OTHER THAN OUR GIRLS. OMG! I was having a conversation as a person…not a mom!
As the playdate ended, I was actually sad to leave. I went home and told my husband that I think I was about to make a new friend….
